Grief...

I am so mad....I just can't stop crying....I keep telling myself to get over it....be appreciative for what you have....but why can't I get over it?  I now get that unless you have gone through a miscarriage, you have no idea how hard it is....even if you have a beautiful, wonderful, picture perfect family...It still sucks....bad....You get attached to the baby that is growing in your stomach....you see the baby on the ultrasound screen with the heartbeat...you tell everyone because you are excited...you hope everyone is happy for you....even friends who have been struggling with their own infertility problems....you know you should keep it quiet until after 12 weeks because 1 in 5 pregnancies ends up with a miscarriage....but you are excited and why should you not tell people....you had 2 healthy pregnancies, surely the third will be the same...and then you start bleeding...just a little at first..you are freaked out and your husband tells you to not worry....but all you do is worry...and then it gets worse and worse...and you know what it happening....in the back of your mind you hope for the best, but know what is happening...even when it becomes painfully clear what is happening, you hope maybe you had 2 embryos and 1 is still implanted...but alas it is not to be...it just sucks....you cry and try to be brave, but you are devastated....devastated at what should have been...what could have been....and then you have to wait about 3 months before you can try again...which seems like forever....you just want to go back to the day before when you were pregnant and tired and happy....Now you are paranoid...what if this happens again...can you deal with it?  Of course, you will try because you have hope....This past weekend has been the worst time in my life....I never want to experience this awfulness again...and I get that people have it much worse...I think of the lovely person comforting me who has lost her young daughter a couple summers ago because a drunk driver killed her.  And I think about another mother comforting me who lost her little angel when she was full term....now that is painful...I was "barely" pregnant...but I was pregnant and I am still upset....So, I will be ok...maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but I will be ok....I just have new admiration for anyone who has ever had to be a member of this awful club....